Outing yourself

Just a quick one today...

A friend asked me to speak a little bit about when/where it's appropriate to specifically out oneself as poly. This post makes the assumption that you are already out in a general way, though it may not be widely known.

Personally, while I don't hide it from people, I also feel like it's near irrelevant that I'm poly when it comes to the rest of my life. I don't specifically feel the need to announce it to co-workers, friends, or anyone else.  The only people who I immediately tell are people who are expressing a romantic or sexual interest in me, as at that point it has become very relevant indeed.

My hard and fast rule for it is to only mention it when it's relevant to the conversation, but to not shy away from it when it does come up. If you're talking with an acquaintance and they ask you about the person you were hanging out with when they ran across you in the park, it it entirely acceptable to state that the person was your girl/boyfriend (if they were) regardless of if this acquaintance knows you're [married/dating someone else/whatever]. This then puts the onus of continuing or dropping the topic onto the other person. At that point, if they ask further questions, they truly do want to know at least the general outline of your relationship status.

How and when do you let people know you're poly? Mention it in the comments!

Who am I?

A little bit about me: for the purposes of getting all of people's assumptions out of the way in one go, I am a young(ish), white, (somewhat) dominant, cisgendered male.

I've identified as polyamorous for 5 years now, am married and have a second long term ongoing relationship, as well as a few other significantly more casual relationships. I arrived at this peaceful and stable situation through a good number of relationships of less than stable and calm nature which taught me important things about myself and about human nature.

I feel qualified (barely) to answer questions about etiquette based upon schooling that focused on empathy training and psychology, a solid middle-class background and and inclination to be considerate of people's needs and a strong urge to be polite under even the most harrowing of circumstances.

Mostly, I'm doing this because it seemed like an unmet need, and I wanted to create a forum where, even if you don't agree with me, there can be debate and discussion and development of some agreement about what truly is polite and appropriate behavior for people in poly relationships.

Etiquette for poly people or for when interacting with poly people?

Ok, so poly etiquette can address two different areas; Internal and External etiquette.

On the internal front, how do we treat our lover's friend's lover? How do we deal with the frustrations that arise from having to deal with our partner's partners? When dealing with shared space, how do you work out matters of priority when both people want to have a lover over?

I will also address matters of politely interacting with non-poly people when you are and politely interacting with poly people when you aren't: How much is it polite to call attention to the fact that you're poly? If you're not poly, how do you deal with your sister wanting to bring her husband and her boyfriend to Thanksgiving? There can be awkwardness on both sides.

So whatever your question of etiquette is, feel free to ask.

Welcome!

This blog was inspired by a confession on Quizzical Pussy where one of the confessors said that someone should write a poly etiquette book. While a book of etiquette might be a while in coming, I can provide a forum for such inquiries until then.

I recognize that what I think is appropriate and what other people believe will vary heavily, and I welcome all comments that don't devolve to the level of outright trolling. Please voice your opinion on my answers, positive or negative.

To start this off, I'll address the questions posed by the anonymous confessor to QP:

Q: What is the appropriate thing to say to your fuckbuddy’s roommate’s friend with benefits/girlfriend-without any-commitment when you’re left alone with her while your partners sort out the pizza situation?

A: You don't mention how well you know her, but given the tone of the question it sounds like you don't know her particularly well. In such a situation it is appropriate to treat her like any other friend-of-a-friend. The fact that she's sleeping with your fuckbuddy's roommate is entirely irrelevant to your interactions with her, except perhaps making it more likely that you'll be at the same events. Be friendly, but don't be overly familiar to begin with.

Q: How forward is it appropriate to be when your friend has just introduced you to her partner, assuming she’s been trying to set up both of you for days?

A: The crucial question here is what your friend's partner thinks about being set up. If your friend's partner is enthusiastic about meeting you and getting to know you better, is an outgoing person and jumps into new situations with new people easily, then you can be quite forward indeed. If said partner is shy and is less comfortable being forward with new people, then it is on you to be considerate of that need and move a little bit more slowly. Your friends wholehearted approval is valuable, but it's her partner's enthusiasm that is vital.

Q: Do you have to say something if your partner has a really obnoxious other partner?

A: It largely depends on how you find this other partner obnoxious. Does he have an obnoxious laugh? Is she consistently negative? Does he get jealous at the drop of a hat? If your issue with this person is one of badly meshing social styles and you find them irritating, be polite and keep it to yourself. If the obnoxious behavior is part of a larger set of issues that are adding friction to your life it is reasonable to speak to your partner about it, but make sure to be very clear ahead of time about what the issue is and speak in terms of your needs in the situation rather than making any demands.

That wraps up the first post (har) here at The Poly Post. I look forward to your mail and welcome your involvement.